Letter To Me

So – this post  is a bit different.  I haven’t really updated in a while – obviously.  I have more about Thailand, some sad and sweet stories from Australia – and Bali.  Wow.  Bali.  Now, if I can just settle down enough to write it all.

Here in Bali, my writing has been more for me.  More for my heart, my soul.  But, something told me to share.  So, here it is.  Vulnerable.  Honest.  Open.

Dear Sweet Darling Dana,

You are going to find yourself on the verge of your 34th birthday sitting in a room in Bali and doubting your entire life, everything you’ve done, wanted, been and seen.  So let me give you some words that you can read as many times as you need to give yourself some perspective at that moment of doubt – so that you can remember and come to know that nothing is in vain and that everything is divine.   I agree that I should have sent this letter with you at birth, but I didn’t have time to write it then – I wasn’t quite sure how some of the chapters would turn out.

You will be devastatingly mistreated as a very, very young girl.  It will happen every day for a year.  It will happen when your parents are busy working.  It will happen under the shade tree in a Georgia backyard.  It will happen when the other children in the daycare are sleeping.  You will overcome this.  You will receive all the help you need in overcoming this.  It will create a drive and ambition in you and this will help propel you to where you need to be.  And, most importantly, it will allow you to truly empathize with the children that you will one day help.  You will help many children.

You are going to move a lot as a child, from one small town to another.  A lot – almost every year until you are in the 7th grade.   Due to this, you will learn that friends come and go and to keep a distance, to not really let anyone in your heart, because eventually you’ll leave.  This will help you when you are young, but you will meet people in later years to help you overcome this.  Trust me on this.  You will have the most amazing, dependable, supportive friends you could ever hope for.  But each summer when it’s time to move, you will love the packing and unpacking; you will learn to love the idea of going new places, meeting new people and starting over at each place. You need this as it will provide for you a basis for a love of travel.  When you are in the 7th grade, your family will settle down and stay in one place.  This will not be easy for you.  You will want to keep moving, keep starting something and leaving it.  But, you are in this place to learn to stay and to learn what you don’t want your life to be.  And, eventually, you will learn to love coming back to visit this place – to see the stars at night and to feel the vibration of the Earth once inhabited by Native Americans.

During middle and high school, you will constantly feel misunderstood and that you are in the wrong place.  You are.  But, there are so many lessons here for you.  Just pay attention and know that this is temporary.  You will have your first boyfriend here.  He will be a beautiful and wounded soul – a musician.  He will teach you a deep love of music and appreciation for watching someone create music.  You will explore your budding sexuality with him in a sweet and tender way, the two that come to mind are his basement and The Lake.  Enjoy both of those; they are truly beautiful.  He will always be special to you; he will also always be wounded.  Keep the necklace that he made for you when he was away at summer camp.  When you are in your thirties and in a time of deep hopelessness in regards to love, you will find this necklace in the bottom of your jewelry box.  You will wear it.  When you place it on your neck at night, you will remember that love is sweet and tender.  And that love is possible.  Big and reckless love is possible.

Your family will go through a rough and dark period when you are in your last two years of high school.  Hold your ground.  This will pass.  You will have a very bad fight with your Dad in which he calls you a Selfish Asshole and tells you that he won’t speak to you again until you straighten out your attitude.  He won’t speak to you at all for weeks.  Just know that he is in a world of pain due to all that is happening with your sister, Denise and your niece, Rebecca.  Things are cloudy and unclear.  You are caught in the middle.  It will be okay.  After a few weeks, you will write your Dad a letter and leave him a tape of the song “I Will Take You Home” by the Grateful Dead in his truck.  He knows that you love him.  You will begin talking again.  But this incident will rock you to your core because the worst thing you can possibly imagine is losing your Dad, but don’t worry.  He does love you and he will never abandon you.   He will hold you as long as you need it. And when he is not around and you miss him, you can play that Grateful Dead song.  It will soothe you every time you hear it; it will bring you your Dad.  But, there will come a time when you will see that you are strong enough to hold yourself.  And the foundation of yourself that you have constructed on your Dad will shift.  You will become your own person in your own right.  So capable and so strong.

Also linked to this dark time is an episode with your Mother.  You will come home late at night to hear your Mother crying.  This will be the first time you have ever seen your Mom cry.  She will be wailing and sobbing.  She is drunk.  She will threaten to kill herself and tell you that you are the only thing that she’s done right.  This will cut right to your core.  You will begin to feel responsible for your Mom and for her happiness and health.  And while this is the way things will be for years and years, there will come a time when you know that you must travel far away and for a long period of time.  This travel will be the only way to help heal this wound – for you and for her.  This nomadic travel will help you become you, will help you learn to live for you.   Be delicate with your Mom.  Let her know that you love her often; she will need constant reassurance.

You will fight incessantly with your parents about where to go to college.  They will desperately want you to go to college in Georgia.  Know that this is because they want you near to them.  Just pray and ask for help.  It will come.  You will even get a full academic scholarship to help you leave Georgia.  It is the right thing for you.  And the trick to getting your Dad on the same page – because trust me – he will complain the WHOLE time about this University – is to get him to visit the campus.  He will fall in love with it too and know in his heart that it’s the right place for you.

Your love of foreign travel will bloom while you are in college.  You will meet an amazing and inspiring man, Dr. Wireman.  Pay attention to this man.  He is going to help you more than you will even realize at the time.  He will support your acting and encourage you;  he will also provide the funds for you to take your first overseas trip.  After you have graduated, you will come back to Dr. Wireman for some help.  He will give you a business card for a University in Surabaya, Indonesia.  You will get a job here, and this will alter your life profoundly.  Indonesia is very important in your life. Dr. Wireman holds a love of Asia that is deep; it will take you many, many years, but after his death, you will come to know why.  And, you will feel his spirit present with you when you visit China.  Just thank him.  He’ll get the message.  Unfortunately, you only come to see the impact of Dr. Wireman too late, and he will have passed away due to cancer.  But, trust me, he knows how much you appreciate all his help.

Your second boyfriend will happen while you are in college.  You will truly love him.  He will remind you of your Dad with his love of football.  Enjoy him.  Enjoy being in love.  Enjoy the youthfulness and longing of it all.  You will have sex for the first time with him.  It will disappoint you and leave you on shaky ground, but embrace it all in the name of youth.   Trust me, after the first few times, sex will be something that you grow to truly appreciate.  And with him, you will learn to laugh at it too.  This is important.  You will outgrow him.  Let him go lovingly.  When you are going through a heartbreak period in your later life, he will text you out of nowhere with this: “I just found a picture of us. We were so young and you were crazy beautiful.”  The text will make you smile.  Appreciate it.

During your travels in college, you will find yourself sitting alone and terrified in a train station in Budapest, Hungary.  Relax.  I will put four Norwegian men on this train with you.  Find them once you board.  Introduce yourself.  They will invite you to travel with them.  Accept.  You are in for the time of your life.  You and your four Norwegian men.  They will take such good care of you.  And with one of them in particular, you will learn the romance of trains, of hearing a foreign language whispered in your ear, of skinny dipping in the Mediterranean under the light of the moon, and of wandering through the streets of Venice hand in hand.  You will make a promise with this man that if you both reach the age of 50 and are still single, that you will meet back in Venice and ride down the canals in a gondola.  But, something tells me that you won’t be meeting him back in Venice.  He will write you love letters though.  Keep them for a long time.  You will know the right time to throw them out.

You will have your first one night stand in college.  It is only when you read this letter that you will be able to laugh at it.  He is an attractive guy and athletic.  But, after the deed, you will ask him to leave instantly, and even though he lives right downstairs, you will not even be able to say hello to him anymore.  When he says, “Hi,” you will just wave your hand and keep walking.  And it doesn’t really matter because you won’t even remember his name by the time you read this.  But, it will remind you that, for you, sex is always more than a physical act.  To be satisfying, you must connect.  And you will have a few more one-night stands – all divine.  All perfect in their own way.

You will fall in love again before you graduate college.   His name will be James.  It will happen over the college French fries.  And he will be sweet to you.  Very sweet to you.  You will be charmed by his ambition and exotic accent.  It will be a mature relationship, but will dwindle due to his concentration on his job and establishing a career for himself.  But, don’t worry.  You will always remain friends. He will even take you skydiving.  And, years and years after you have broken up, you will have some conversations and realize that this man is one of the few that truly understand and know you.  You will continue to support each other from afar.  Kind words will always be exchanged; love will always reside there.   And you will always want to visit Antigua.  One day you will.

Also in college, you will meet a man named Jim.  You will share a love of theater with him.  He will be your best friend for a long period of time in college.  But, the love timeline won’t work for quite a while.  After James, however, you will reconnect with Jim – in quite a fun way.  You will perform a play together in New York, and you will be shown how free and easy being with someone should be.  And how often you should laugh.  Jim will make you laugh.  You hold on to your dream of travel during this period though, and Jim will provide the stability you need to enable you to work and live in Indonesia; he will even take care of the dogs while you are away.  You will return to the US and to Jim before you are ready.  Just flow.  Know that what you have started in Indonesia is not finished.  You are not done calling Indonesia your home – and that love of Bali that you developed – hang on to that; you will one day call Bali home.   Near Christmas time, you and Jim will cook dinner together, sit down to eat and begin laughing with each other.  He will decide this is the moment and will hide the engagement ring in the bread.  When you pull out the ring, know that it is not fake; you are going to laugh and ask him what bubble gum machine he got it out of, but know that this is the real deal.  This man wants to marry you.  Your answer of, “Okay.  I guess,”  is enough to clue you in that you are not quite ready.  It’s okay.  You will learn a lot with Jim.  You will buy a house.  You will settle down.  And you will have moment after moment of getting in your Jeep and yearning to just drive away.  Drive far far away and never come back.  Remember, this is okay.  This is letting you know that you need to really look at your life – settling down is not for you at this time.  Call on some help.  Begin soul searching.  Thanks to Jim, you will make the connections that enable you to be introduced to the world of Energy, Chakras, and Soul.  This will radically change your life.  Embrace it.    And when you are ready to shed Jim, be graceful.  Be gentle.  And be firm.  Know that he will move on.  He will find love again, and so will you.

You will encounter another man around this time who piques your interest – Brian.  He will be going through a tough time, and the two of you will connect deeply.  It will cease suddenly.  Know that this love is just not meant to be at this time, but it will be at a time when you are both ready for it and when you both need to be treated lovingly.  Just hold him in your heart.  When the relationship does come to fruition, it is sweet and steady.  You will end it, and the ending will be difficult for you as friends that you cherished will scuttle off as well.  This is good.  You are growing.  Know that.  And after some time, you will be able to reconnect with Brian and see this relationship for what it was – a time to be taken care of and to take care of someone else – to be secure.

You will get married.  It will be quick, and it will be perfect.  I’d like to warn you to really slow down and take your time, but this marriage gets you exactly where you need to be.  So, jump in.  Love it and cherish it.  Work on it for as long as you want.  One day you will be driving in your car and you will panic and pull over to the side of the road with this thought in your head, “Oh my God, what have I done?  Why did I get married?”  It’s really okay.  You had no way to know that he had such an addictive personality and that his addiction to weed would turn to alcohol so quickly; this is not your issue to solve.  This is his.  You will learn a lot in this marriage – you will begin to see the type of partner that you really want in your life, and you will begin to see the gentle strength that resides deep inside of you.  Your separation will come about in a beautiful way, but it will be so very difficult for you as you will really be going through this on your own.  But, through all the pain and the tears and the complete heartbreak and loss of innocence that you will feel, know that beauty will blossom from this.  It will.  I promise. And one day, you will regain that child-like hope that marriage is a good thing. You will regain your trust.  It will take years and years.  But you will find that hope again.  Trust in that.  And the fact that you will still love him and care about him and think about him years and years and years later is a testament to the depth of love you are capable of.

You will travel this world searching.  Wandering.  You will not know where you are going.  You will wonder what you are doing.  You will doubt.  You will stumble.  You will have beautiful moments and moments full of despair.  And you will grow.  You will rise.  You will rediscover all that you are, the power that you hold.  You will meet people that will further your journey, further your growth.  You will meet people from lifetimes back and you will recognize them; some will even recognize you.   India will call to you and you will answer.  Trust your intuition. Trust your heart to lead you to the right place.  It will.  It will lead you to the right place every single time.  Call on help when you need it.  Meditate.  Trust.  This is Your path.  This the Right path for you.  You will discover the healing powers of the ocean and the drying powers of the desert.  And you will return to Bali.  You always knew you would, didn’t you?  Bali will be your home for a while.  You will know this as soon as you step off of the plane.

You will be looking for love in Bali.  You must be patient.  First, you must fully find yourself.  Fully and wholly.   And, you will.  But before you do, there may be a bit of heartache, a bit of doubt.  This is just fine.   Know that you are not in Bali to simply find love; you are there to find your destiny.  And you will.  And wow.  It will be more than you ever hoped for.  Just make sure that you pay attention to what attracts you – to what makes your energy rise.  Follow that sense.  You will long for stability in Bali and this time, you must find this stability in yourself.  And you do.

Before you are embraced into true and divine alignment, you will have a couple of one night stands in Bali.  They will not be your typical one night stands.  You will feel a connection with these guys; you will know them as friends.  And the physical relationship will send you over the edge a bit.  They are quick, deep, and hurtful because you will know the truth of the matter before anything even happens.  You will know that these are blips on your screen of life – fleeting. But, they are necessary as you are being shown that your intuition is to be trusted above all else.  You are coming across past life loves and you know this.  Trust it.  Trust it.  You are being shown that your growth is happening rapidly and you no longer need months or years with these past karmic relationships in order to glean the lessons and move forward.  So, move forward.  Let these guys help you realize who you are, what you want, how best to communicate and how to sustain that integrity that you’ve worked so hard for.  You’re there.  You’ve got it.   Above all else, remember that you are safe and that you are enough.  That’s the lesson here.  You are enough.  So, release them lovingly and move into your wholeness.

You will be pulled to write, to learn healing techniques, to help children in orphanages, to help educate poverty stricken women and provide medical care.  And these are all linked to your destiny.  To your potential.  To you.  Dive in.  Let the ocean wash away the doubt, let the salt float away your fears.  Your life is about to become miraculous.  In fact, it already is.  You are becoming.  And you are divine.

And hey, trust me – your true love will know you when he sees you.  Really, trust me on this.  It will catch you by surprise and be easier than you ever imagined.  And you’ll be so in love, and it will be so, so good.  Better than you ever imagined.  I promise.

Home in Bali

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~ by Dana Childs: Intuitive on September 30, 2010.

One Response to “Letter To Me”

  1. The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. ~Henry David Thoreau.No you,dear Dana,certainly not you!
    Thx for sharing.
    Bart

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